Service Users/Survivors:
"I felt listened to and respected by your staff" - Service User
"Coventry Haven has given me the strength to look forward to a positive future" - Service User
"The way I talk, the way I look and even the way I carry myself in public, has an effect on my parents upstanding in our community" - Service User
"Coventry Haven is the first place to actually help me" - Service User
"No-one actually believed it was as bad as it was and friends just kept telling me to leave, like it's really easy, but you believed me and listened to me and eventually I actually escaped. Best thing I ever did!" - Service User
"I didn't tell anyone, I felt so ashamed, like it was my fault like she said it was. But it wasn't, I didn't deserve any of it!" - Survivor
"Coventry Haven has been amazing for me and my daughter. It's hard to leave but we are so much happier and most of all safe" - Survivor
“My stay in refuge has been amazing! I feel so much more confident and able to realise how abusive he actually was” - Survivor
Testimonial - Partnership Organisation
“Coventry Haven Women’s Aid (CHWA) have been integral in providing specialist provision for women accessing services across Coventry Women’s Partnership who have been subjected to any form of domestic abuse. Coventry Haven has been there for women whether at point of crisis or at any point in their journey, often providing lifesaving support. Women have spoken highly of the teams within CHWA and have shared how they are now able to visualise their future when previously a future seemed impossible. As a partner CHWA have provided on-going strategic support and are vital in raising awareness of challenges facing the women’s sector in supporting victims and survivors of domestic abuse and their families. CHWA support the partnership with up-to-date guidance and information regarding policy, legislation and campaigns regarding domestic abuse and have contributed greatly to the strategic aims of the project. Together we have been able to develop new provision and establish accessible referral pathways for women across communities who need to access safe and timely support.” - FP - FWT
Awareness Raising Feedback:
"The workshop was really good and I think its good that we hear this" - Year 8 pupil
"Everyone should be free to marry whoever they want to" - Year 8 pupil
"It's not the individuals choice and it's so depressing to see people forced into something they do not want to do" - Pupil
"Thank you for telling us your (survivor) story; I think you're really brave and now I know what to look for and what to do if it happens to me or any of my friends" - Pupil
"I now feel fully able to help the pupils I know are living with this at home" - Teacher
"Children enjoy debating! Conversations around stereotyping was very useful" - Teacher to Year 6
"A valuable session - the children showed maturity and some great discussion and debates went on, thank you!" - Teacher to Year 6
"I enjoyed the debates, they were interesting" - Year 6 pupil
"I enjoyed all the surprising facts" - Year 6 pupil
"The game was very interesting because even though I didn't agree with the statement, I thought about it differently" - Year 6 pupil
Professionals:
"I now feel confident in asking the right questions and where I can refer to for support" - GP
"The training provided has helped me to recognise signs of abuse and know the right questions to ask, in a sensitive and safe way" - GP
"Coventry Haven do such important work!" - Councellor
"You do a fab job at supporting people through an extremely critical time in their lives, and show them that there are people who genuinely care and will offer a listening ear when it's needed the most" - Advocacy organisation
"You provide an excellent service to those in desperate need" - Manager
“Your training has stirred something in me and I want to help you as much as I can!” - Professional who is now a volunteer
Volunteers:
"Volunteering for Coventry Haven has helped my confidence grow" - Volunteer
"Volunteering has opened my eyes to how common abuse actually is" - Volunteer
"I finally felt strong enough and wanted to give back to the place that had helped me escape; I'm so glad I did it, it helped me in so many ways!" - Volunteer
"I feel like I am actually helping others going through it, just like Coventry Haven helped me before" - Volunteer
Sponsors/Donors:
"You have an excellent reputation in your sector" - Sponsor
"You helped my mum a few years ago; we lived in a refuge for 2 years and I want to thank you as I don't know what would've happened to us otherwise. Me and mum are doing really well now" - Donator
The following is the true story of an anonymous ex-service user (in her own words) who wishes to share her journey in the hope that it encourages someone to take the first step to leave:
"The first time I was punched, it was a blow to the stomach. I'd never before felt a feeling like it. Unable to breathe the pain overwhelmed me. The blue shirt hadn't been ironed. How could I not have ironed a blue shirt? Violence became 'routine'.
It's more than 20 years ago. Some of it is a blur. I do remember being kicked around the floor. I remember having a knife held to my throat. I do remember the tears and hurt of having treasured possessions broken in front of my face.
The police came out a few times. I remember one lady police officer saying to me in my teary state 'either move away or put up with it', but I just remember thinking I haven't anywhere to go so how could I leave? It's almost as though I accepted my life, which included a violent partner, as the norm. No one else would ever want me, why would I leave! This was my home. I could change him. He will change. He never did.
It was summer time when things came to a head. I found myself pregnant and in hospital after being assaulted. I still didn't leave him. He left me as he had been having an affair with another woman and clearly I was 'nuts' he said.
It was at this point I found the female GP that saved me. I just remember the routine appointment, but at that moment, in that room, my story poured out.
I was referred immediately to a counsellor. I had some fairly intensive counselling, and with the counsellors help, I became strong enough to rid my home of his possessions. I still loved him. None of it was easy. Sadly I lost the baby.
I did actually leave my home town. I never thought I ever would. I moved into a shared house in a new city, got a job and made a new life. For several years I always felt I carried a secret. Would people find out about me? I was ashamed of myself but should have been proud. I no longer went to work with bruises on my arm. "Oh clumsy me, fell over again!". I was proud of me for surviving.
However, there was a huge twist in my story. Sometimes I can't believe myself this is true. But it is. It's fact. About my perpetrator. You can imagine my shock some 5 or 6 years later after leaving whilst looking at a local hometown news website I notice his name on the headline. He had been murdered. Murdered... Him... Murdered! He had been living with yet another partner, after marrying the lady he left me for, and leaving her, they'd been together for quite some months.
She stabbed him. They'd argued in the kitchen as she'd asked him to leave, said the news. Things had become violent - he started to 'push her' said the news report. She was peeling veg and used the knife. One stab wound.
He died at the scene. I couldn't believe what I was reading. She was arrested and later given 5 years for manslaughter, later reduced to 4, as the judge 'did not consider her state of mind at the time of the incident'. I followed the court case through the local press. I've found it difficult to process he is actually dead. But he is dead. It's true.
It's 20 years since I left my hometown. I've been with my husband for 16 years, we have been married 11. Somehow, I managed to get myself a life. I slowly crawled out of the black hole I was in, and realised I deserved a life. I have a nice life. A good life. A home. I deserve these things. I'm grateful for 'normal'.
Nowadays I rarely think of the experiences I had. But it did happen to me. I did feel that pain. To be honest, a lot of people who know me now would never imagine me in that situation. I found my voice. I realised I'm as worthy as the next person. You can do it. You too can leave. Ask for help. Make the call. You are worthy. If your day includes violence, make a plan to walk away. Seek help. Seek Coventry Haven. Save yourself. You deserve it!"
The following is a poem written by an incredible survivor, who has given her permission for us to share this on our website, today as World Mental Health Day 10th October 2017:
"My brave face mask, allows me to live a part time life
Without this mask, I believe there is a better afterlife
Putting on a brave face, allows me to get out of bed
To look half normal, no one knows I wish I was dead
I can wash my hair and shower, get dressed and show up
I can look well presented, the sleepless nights are my warm up
A warm up to this dress rehearsal, of this life that isn't a play
You get to see a glimpse of it, I live it day by day
You see the brave face, the bits good enough for public display
The bits that are well rehearsed, but not part of the off days
On the off days there is no brave face, the theatre is vacated
The real portrayal of my life, will be classed as X rated
Not many want to see the truth, of a woman mentally tortured
Because of past abuses, it makes you all feel awkward
I don't want to make you feel awkward, so on bad days I lock myself away
I choose to become invisible, because the mask can't stay in place
People make judgements, based on the days of a grand performance
You don't get to see the full picture, the interval is of no importance
The interval is integral, of building up the full picture
You just see what you want to see, you don't read the full scripture
I live my life 24/7, you get to see a fraction
You don't see me at my worst, the brave face is a distraction
That distraction may suit many, as seeing the full equation is to much
Therefore never judge me, when you can only stand the soft touch
My life is not a dress rehearsal, for some play made for entertainment
It's a real life horror story, where no hour is left vacant
No vacant moment to escape, and lose my concentration
Where the mask has time to slip, I live it for the whole duration
It's exhausting wearing a mask, but it's something you get used to
To keep up the appearances, and hide what you have been put through
To create a life that looks normal, to the easily misled
Who don't want to face the facts, that leave me exhausted in bed
I can take the mask off, behind closed doors
That way I'm not not a inconvenience, no one is made to see the flaws
The flaws that are man made, despite what you want to see
Behind the brave face, is the real me
The real me so few know about, because you can't see beyond the brave face
You are blinded by the convenience, of not knowing my dark space
You don't want to be blinded by the ugliness, left behind from a war fought alone
Where property was paid for, so the violence was condoned"
#WorldMentalHealthDay #WMHD #CSA #CSE
We are very privileged to have been sent the following poem, with consent to share it with you; I’m sure you’ll agree that we can all relate to the words created:
‘I'm all choked up i just can't breathe my heart is racing please believe,
Your nasty words my head feels a mess when will it be over I try not to stress
For this is his game I am forced to play when will it all go away,
I pick myself up and try to look my best, oh no will I fail his little test!
I am no longer feeling like a waste of space, he can not make me feel ashamed of my face,
I'm starting to get stronger day by day, away from your grip is how I'm determined to stay,
I have plotted and planned for this very day I never thought it would end this way!
I am free, its coming I can see a new life is waiting for me moving so fast to a life I couldn't see!
Do I deserve it really, is this for me, my life won't change with just a cup of tea
Reaching out I won't let it pass, safe and secure and no longer sad
I want to feel good for a future I can now see, and you will never hurt me like you once had planned for me.’
Poem from a survivor in refuge:
“To all the Ladies who suffered these pains
We all made it to Haven, and we will never suffer again
We will build ourselves up, because enough is enough
We will hold hands together. We will try and be tough
Those awful memories I threw away, when I got on the train
I will tell everyone my story and never, ever feel ashamed
So no more wet eyes and rolling tears, because we all made it together, and now we’re here
Let’s close our eyes and join our hands and pray to God, for those to understand
Please give us peace to our souls and help bandage up our broken hearts and bruises
Help us put behind our mental stress’s and pains
May we never, ever suffer these things all over again
Those are the girls stories .
No one else but them could have told
New Year is arriving
Tomorrow we’ll becoming more bold”
A poem from the same survivor in refuge:
“if you’ve learnt how to calm your heart, then you’ve learnt how to live
If you’ve never showed your wounds inside, then you’ve learnt how to forgive
If you’ve seen the deepest seas and your shoulders have carried all the tears
If the hottest suns have fed all the burnt out hearts, then in your life you will never have any fears
If the coldest thunders have lightened your darkest days, then you will always be a survivor
In a thousand different ways.
I am a survivor of domestic violence"
#beautiful #strength #proud #youcandothis
Call 08001114998 or email referrals@coventryhaven.co.uk
If you would like to share your journey to help others, or become a volunteer or a Community Champion please call 02476 444 077 or email info@coventryhaven.co.uk. We will not disclose any personal details.